


Anxious

by WhiskersandQuiff



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-12 23:00:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18456377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiskersandQuiff/pseuds/WhiskersandQuiff
Summary: It can be hard to identify anxiety sometimes, which makes it harder to deal with. Sometimes, Phil needs a little help to pull himself out of it.





	Anxious

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off some of my own experiences with anxiety, but this is not the only way it presents itself. This is not to say that Phil does have anxiety or to try to assume his experiences if he does, it’s just fiction.

The media portrays anxiety as shaking, panting, and chaos. It’s associated with violence; it’s an “anxiety _attack”_ for a reason. People think it only manifests itself with that clear terror. For Phil, it’s not always so obvious. 

He doesn’t always know when it will happen. Some days, he wakes up with an itch in the back of his mind that he has to do something and he has to do it _now now now_ and it grows and builds into something worse, but it sneaks up on him more often than not. Sometimes, there’s such a subtle build-up that he doesn’t even realize it’s happening until Dan intervenes. 

Today is one of those days. He’s been under stress lately, worrying about putting out content fast enough while still having time for himself and Dan. It’s not an uncommon place for him to be, so he thinks it’s fine. He’s handled it in the past when he’s been even more stressed with tours and travel, so why should now be any different?

He’s been working diligently on a video and he’s almost done editing, so he plans to post over the weekend. He even tells his audience to expect the video in the next two days because he’s that confident that everything will go well between now and then.

As per usual, Phil watches through his video when he thinks he’s done editing, just to be sure. Normally, there’s nothing more to be done and he’s ready to post, but there’s one part of this particular video that seems off. It’s stupid, really; no one will care if there’s one second too long before a jumpcut, but Phil goes back through and cuts off a bit more from the take. He watches it again and frowns because now it’s too short. With the push of a few buttons, it’s back to how it was, but it’s still too long. Phil sighs in annoyance, picking up one of the toggles on his sweatshirt and biting it, but tries to fix the video again. He adjusts the cut back and forth, shorter and longer, but his dissatisfaction grows with every attempt. 

He finally decides to let it go for now and see if the rest of the video is fine. If there are other issues, he can fix those and then go back with fresh eyes. He starts from the beginning and works his way through. Phil’s frown turns into a glare and his leg begins to bounce under the desk as his annoyance turns to agitation. The rest of the video is okay. Only okay. Actually, the longer he watches, the less okay it seems. He picks out bits from the editing that he thinks are sloppy, but then he analyzes his delivery of the script he’d written and the way he’d filmed and he thinks the whole video is pretty bad. His voice is too chipper, the colors are too bright, his timing is all wrong. From there, he considers the script itself. For the life of him, he can’t imagine why he thought it was good when he went to film it. Why did this video even exist in the first place? Who did he think would want to watch it? 

He takes off his headphones and tosses them on the desk in disgust, burying his face in his hands. His video is dull and boring; _he_ is dull and boring. He’d just promised his audience a new video, but there’s no way he can post this mess! They’d hate it, and then everyone would unsubscribe, and then he and Dan would be homeless nobodies, _especially_ if Dan continued his social media break. 

Phil shakes his head. What is he _thinking_? His audience isn’t like that! They love anything he puts out, don’t they? He isn’t sure anymore. 

“How’s the video going, love?” asks a quiet voice from the office door. 

Phil jumps, removing his hands from his face; he hadn’t heard Dan approach. He shoots Dan a weak smile, spitting the sweatshirt toggle out from between his teeth. 

“It’s fine,” he lies. It’s not fine at all. It’s probably the worst video he’s made in years, a disaster waiting to upload. He should take it as a sign that he’s burning out; he’s been doing this for over ten years, he’s run out of good ideas, and that’s not to mention the pace he’s set for himself after so long with no schedule. He can’t do it, and this video is the evidence. It’s just _bad_ , and that’s completely unacceptable. 

But Dan doesn’t need to hear any of that. He has enough on his mind without Phil pulling him down any further, and, besides, these complaints are meaningless, unimportant. He can handle them just fine on his own. No need to drag someone else into it.

He watches as Dan takes in the bouncing leg, the chewed toggle, the empty coffee mugs, the video still playing on the screen, and knows there’s no way Dan believes him. 

But Dan doesn’t call him out on it. Instead, he tilts his head down to look at the floor, his lips stretch into a sad smile, and he steps closer to Phil. One hand reaches up to cup the side of Phil’s face and his thumb gently strokes the bone. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” he comments. “Take a break with me?”

Phil bites his lip, glancing back at the editing software open on his computer. He really ought to fix that jumpcut. Even if the rest of the video is bad, at least he can say that one part is fine and then he can upload it and keep pretending his channel is surviving. 

“I don’t know, there’s just a little more to do. I’m almost done. There’s one cut that’s weird and I want to fix it,” Phil says in a rush. “It’s not really cooperating right now, though. I make it shorter and it’s too short and then I try to make it longer and it’s back to being too long, and then I go back short and-”

“That’s okay,” Dan interrupts in a calm whisper. “Do you want me to help?”

Phil hesitates, biting his lip again. Bringing Dan into it is a good idea because Dan is always a good second opinion with editing, but he worries that Dan won’t see the problem. Or maybe Dan will see the larger problem that is the video as a whole and tell Phil it’s all terrible. He already knows it’s terrible, but hearing it from Dan would make it all worse. Then this problem would be real and he’d have to deal with it, and that would include Dan’s disappointment, and he _hates_ to disappoint Dan, he really-

“Phil?” 

Dan sounds more concerned this time, so Phil turns to look at him. His forehead is creased with worry. His thumb reaches down to Phil’s lip, gently pulling it out from between his teeth. 

“Ouch,” Phil mumbles. He raises a hand to his lip and it comes away red. “Shit.”

Dan reaches over and saves the video file then closes out of the program. 

“But-” Phil reaches out to stop Dan, but it’s too late. 

“It’ll be there for you later. It’s okay,” Dan reassures. He catches Phil’s hand in his own. “Come on. Let’s take care of your lip.”

Phil lets out a resigned sigh and lets Dan pull him out of his chair. 

“I’ll come right back and finish it after, then,” he decides. 

Dan sends him a small smile. “Let’s start by getting your lip cleaned up, yeah?”

He leads Phil over to the bathroom so they can see it better, then tears off some of the toilet roll. 

“This’ll be kind of gross, sorry,” Dan says, pressing the tissue to the inside of Phil’s lip. He carefully dabs at the blood, keeping as much of it from getting into Phil’s mouth as possible. A few minutes later, he’s done, throwing away the tissue and washing his hands. He turns back to Phil and cups his face with both hands. “Is that better?”

Phil shrugs. His mind is already back on the video, trying to figure out how he could possibly salvage the mess he’d filmed so he could still post tomorrow.

Dan leans forward and presses the softest of kisses to Phil’s lips. “It’s okay, love.” He pushes his hand farther to brush through the hair on the back of Phil’s neck, then kisses him again, a little firmer this time. He pulls away and kisses Phil’s cheek, pulling Phil’s head in to rest in the crook of his neck before kissing his temple. “It’s alright.”

The tension doesn’t immediately leave Phil’s body, but he lets himself be kissed and hugged, eventually wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist and burying his nose more fully in his neck. He inhales deeply, finding reassurance in the familiar scent of his boyfriend. His emotions are stuck in stress and worry too much for him to truly appreciate Dan’s care, but he knows he’ll be grateful later, once his mind stops holding him captive.

They stay in the hug for a while longer before Dan pulls back slightly. 

“Cuddles in bed, under the nice warm duvet?” he suggests. 

Phil nods, so Dan pulls back all the way. He catches Phil’s hand with his own and brings it to his lips. 

“I love you,” he murmurs. 

Phil doesn’t feel like speaking. He’s still too keyed up, too stressed, and it’s exhausting. Dan knows Phil loves him, anyway. Instead of using words, he settles for leaning in to kiss Dan’s cheek. 

Together, they head over to their room. Once inside, Dan gently kisses Phil again, sending little tingles of warmth through his system. A little of the tension leaves his shoulders and he finds he can breathe easier. It’s not enough to fully relax him, but it’s a step in the right direction.

They pull apart briefly to strip down to their boxers and climb into bed, where they immediately wrap their arms around each other. Phil lies half on top of Dan, his head resting on his chest and their legs tangled together. Dan brings a hand up to pet through Phil’s hair, occasionally leaning forward to press a kiss to his temple.

Sleep, or maybe Dan, beckons Phil, convincing him that _it’s alright, the audience will still be there tomorrow. Rest now._ Now that he’s being held by a warm Dan in a soft bed, he finds himself finally relaxing. The stress and worry of before is melting away, leaving behind an exhaustion that can only come from anxiety. 

He can name it now; earlier, he hadn’t even noticed what was happening. But now he sees the signs that led to the worst of it, he sees how it switched from a general form of stress into the anxiety that fixated tight on one problem and tried to expand it to more problems that weren’t really there. Now, he can recognize and appreciate Dan’s care and fall in love with Dan just a little bit more. 

Tomorrow, Phil will look at the video again, this time with Dan. Dan will maybe offer a few tips here or there, but overall tell him it’s wonderful, as always. He won’t tell Phil he was ridiculous for being so anxious about it, because he knows Phil can’t help it; instead, he’ll offer quiet encouragements as Phil puts on the finishing touches and uploads it and reward him with more cuddles and kisses.

**Author's Note:**

> I also post to my Tumblr! See the rest of my fics [here](https://whiskersandquiff.tumblr.com/fics-masterlist)


End file.
